The Art of War
by magic-is-might92
Summary: Collection of short fics written in response to the Milady-Milord May 2012 fic battle. Rating up to PG-13 for language.


**A collection of short ficlets written for the May 2012 Milady-Milord Fic Battle. Each author was given a short prompt and had to write a fic at least 300+ words long.**

**Title: **The Art of War

**Author: **magic-is-might92

**Rating: **Up to PG-13

**Spoilers: **Up to 3.22 just to be safe

* * *

**Prompt 1: Jeff loses Annie's birthday card - somewhere in her apartment. He tries to find it before she does. (****busycybering**)

* * *

**Studies in Pinaceae and Recognition**

"Jeff, we're going to be late," Abed said, gesturing toward his digital watch.

"Here, go wait in the car." Jeff tossed Troy his keys. "No, on second thought, go wait _by _the car," he added. "I'm not leaving you unsupervised in my car again..."

"We got all of the gum out," Troy mumbled. Jeff glared at him. "Well, _almost _all of the gum out. And what are you looking for?" Troy asked as Jeff carelessly shifted piles of papers and books around on the table, visibly frustrated.

"Annie's damn birthday card. I left it on the counter and it disappeared," Jeff said, throwing his hands in the air.

"Oh, I put it in Annie's room," Abed said.

"... And why didn't you tell me that half an hour ago before I embarked on this journey?" Jeff asked slowly, trying to mask his annoyance.

"Is that what you asked us during TV time? Yeah, don't ask us stuff during TV time," Troy said flatly.

Jeff's mouth twitched.

"It's on her 'smile pile'," Abed said.

"Her _what_?"

"It's a pile of stuff on her bookcase. We call it her 'smile pile' because it makes her smile when she looks through it," Abed explained. Jeff stared at both of them, incredulous.

"Go wait in the car," Jeff sighed. "I'll be down in a minute."

-x-

Jeff slowly opened the door to her bedroom. It was small, tidy, and oh so pink. He glanced over her room quickly and spotted the card her bought her on a bookcase shelf. Underneath the card sat several old photo albums. _Her smile pile_. Curiosity got the best of him and he pulled out one of the older plain albums, labeled '1995-1998'. He couldn't help but smirk when he saw the first page; 'PRINCESS ANNIE' was written in large curly script across the very first page.

His smirk turned into a grin when he flipped to the middle of the album to a page titled 'school play - 1996'. There were several fading pictures taped to the page of some kind of school play. Most of the shots focused on little girl, dressed up as what Jeff suspected was supposed to be a pine tree. Jeff couldn't help but chuckle to himself when he recognized the dark haired little girl as Annie. She looked almost surly in the pictures, clearly not happy with her role as a tree.

He flipped through the rest of the album, looking over dozens of pictures taken at important points in Annie's life. Birthday parties, dance recitals, Hallowe'en, even her kindergarten graduation.

"Jeff, what are you doing? We've been waiting 20 minutes!" Troy yelled into the apartment.

Jeff glanced at his watch. "Shit." He quickly stuffed the photo album back on the shelf. He found a pen and quickly signed her card.

-x-

"You're late," Annie said in mock anger.

"Totally worth it," Jeff grinned. He handed her the birthday card. She tore it open.

"_To Princess Annie, Happy 21st birthday. Love, Jeff._" Annie read out loud. She looked confused for a second, but realization dawned on her. "_Jeff_! Is that why you were late?"

Jeff smirked.

"Although to be fair, I would have been just as pissed if someone dressed me up as a ridiculous tree."

She smiled. He couldn't help but smile in return.

* * *

**Prompt 2: Jeff and Annie accidentally misplace Baby Ben, and they need to find him before they face the wrath of Shirley (Humor) (imbettygrable)**

* * *

**Lost Articles and Basic Protocol**

"I feel like we're forgetting something," Jeff said, chewing thoughtfully on a piece of plain bread. "Nah..." he shook his head.

"Where's Ben?" Abed asked, sitting down at the table with his tray of food.

"Oh god!" Annie yelped. "Shirley left Ben with us so she could get Jordan from school!"

Jeff cursed under his breath and jumped to his feet.

"We _do_have a daycare center," Pierce cut in.

"Pierce, an old breakroom with no heat and lead paint does not qualify as a daycare," Annie said hotly. "C'mon Jeff, where did we leave him?"

"_We_?" Jeff exclaimed.

"No time to argue - c'mon - " she pulled at Jeff's hand. "Biology room?" she suggested as they practically ran through the halls.

"That baby was so damn quiet, I forgot he was there," Jeff said.

"We'd be terrible parents!" said cried in exasperation. Jeff glanced over at her, alarmed.

"That's... that's not what I meant," she said quickly, blushing.

"Uh, yeah, anyway - in here." Jeff and Annie entered the biology room.

Magnitude, Real Neil, Vicki, and the dean were standing around a car seat.

"Oh thank god," Jeff said under his breath.

Annie rushed over to the group. She gave a sigh of relief at the sight of baby Ben giggling and smiling.

"Forgotten baby?" the dean asked, peering over at Jeff and Annie. He then waved dismissively. "It happens more often than you think," he added in a low voice. "We already put 'lost baby protocol three' in place."

"Only at Greendale..." Jeff muttered, shaking his head.

Annie thanked everyone for keeping an eye on Ben.

"Can you do us a favor, dean, and, uh, _not _mention this to Shirley...?" Jeff asked.

"Anything for you, Jeff," the dean said with a wink. Jeff chose to ignore that. "That service is already included in 'protocol three'. Protocol one or two is used when the parents or close relative misplaces the baby. Protocol three is reserved for friends or others who don't want to tell the parents about their, uh, _mishap_."

"I don't know whether I should be concerned about how many protocols you have about lost babies, the fact that you need so many 'protocols', or that fact part of a protocol involves hiding this kind of stuff from the parents," Annie said, looking a bit disgusted.

"We _are _thorough! You can count on Greendale for that," the dean said with a hint of a curtsey, as if Annie were complimenting him.

"Is my baby Ben in here?" Shirley cooed, entering the room, grinning.

"Ah, yes! Safe and sound!" Jeff said quickly, trying to hide the guilty look on his face.

Shirley quickly gathered up Ben in her arms, who had slobber running down his chin.

"So, everything went okay?" she asked, looking hard at Jeff and Annie.

"Uh, yeah. Why shouldn't it be okay? It was only for two hours, and look, he's right here! Safe and happy - " Annie rambled on in a high voice before Shirley pulled out a folded piece of paper from her purse.

"This is plastered all over the school," she said, now glaring at Jeff and Annie. It was a flyer that had a picture of baby Ben, labeled "FOUND", and a brief description underneath.

Jeff turned to the dean, anything to avoid the death glare that Shirley was giving him. "'Lost baby protocol three', I take it?"

The dean nodded.

"I _did_ say we were thorough!" the dean said proudly.

* * *

**Prompt 3: Annie's car breaks down with the windows open during a rain storm. She calls Jeff to bail her out. Any rating, any genre. (crittab)**

* * *

**Advanced Petrichor and Broken Windows**

_clunk clunk clunk clunk_

"C'mon, you're almost there..." Annie pleaded quietly to her car, which began making loud clunking noise for the last hour that she attempted to ignore to no avail. "No..." she said, feeling tears sting her eyes. She was too afraid to go any faster; Pouring rain beat on her cracked windshield while her car started to ominously lurch. Her arm was soaking wet. She was attempting steer the dying car with one hand, while using her other hand to hold up one of her cardigans against the half open driver window, which was, _of course_, stuck. She knew she could pull the window up manually, which required getting out of the car and lightly tugging the stuck window up into place. But stopping the car when it was already on its last legs wasn't a risk she was willing to take.

The car crawled to a whining stop before the engine finally gave up. She let out a loud un-Annie-like swear word in return. She tried to turn the keys in the ignition a few times only to recieve a quiet whining squeal. Defeated, she fell back against her seat, trying to not to cry out of pure frustration. She pulled her phone out of her purse. Her stomach lurched when she saw that it was nearly 3:00 am. She debated with herself over whether or not to call him for help this late, but in the end she decided she had no choice. She found his name in her phone and called. After a few rings, he answered. His tone told her that she woke him in the middle of a dead sleep.

"_Annie_...?"

"Jeff, my car broke down and it's pouring outside and I'm in the middle of nowhere and I wouldn't be calling you if I didn't have - " she suddenly broke down.

"Annie, calm down. I'll be right there. Where are you?" Jeff cut in. She told him where she was at. And with no questions asked, he replied, "I'll be right there" before hanging up.

She tossed her phone aside, feeling ashamed at breaking down on the phone like that. She wiped her face and decided that now was as good as any to pull her window up.

The rain came down hard and cold. Within a minute, she was soaking wet and chilled to the bone. She struggled for a minute but was finally able to pull the window closed. She back inside her car and laughed to herself when she realized how pointless it was since her seat was already soaking wet.

Jeff arrived ten minutes later, hair genuinely mussed from sleep, and wrapped up tightly in a rain coat. He knocked on her window, and she rolled it down. She then cursed herself; her window was stuck again. At this point, she didn't care.

"Jeff, I'm so sorry for having you - " Annie started, but Jeff cut her off.

"Annie, _don't worry about it_," he said sternly. "But only you would end up broken down on the side of the road in the middle of serial killer field. Now c'mon, I'm getting wet."

She got out of the car, grateful that Jeff didn't seem to care about having to pick her up at this time in the middle of a rainstorm.

"Aren't you gonna roll up your window?"

She shook her head. "It's broken."

"I think it's time for a new car," he said, smirking. She laughed and nodded in agreement.

She got inside his car, which was warm. She noticed a frown on his face when she sat down on his leather seats.

"Damnit, I'm sorry, Jeff," Annie said, realizing that she was still soaking wet.

"I don't care about the seats," he said, waving dismissively. "It's fine. It's just that you look cold. You can wear my coat." Jeff pulled out one of his nice blazer from his back seat and draped it around her.

"Thanks, Jeff," she sniffed.

"And look," he started, glancing over at her, "don't, uh, hesitate to call me again if you need help. Don't think that you'd be 'bugging' me." He looked a bit uneasy. Before she knew it, she leaned over and kissed him.

"As a matter of fact, why don't you call me more often like this?" Jeff chuckled when she pulled away. She playfully slapped him on the shoulder. "C'mon, let's get you home."

* * *

**Prompt 4: Britta is in charge of buying Jeff and Annie a wedding present. (allvowels)**

* * *

**Advanced Gift Giving**

"Okay, last one!" Britta handed over a small box to Annie.

"Aww, thanks Britta!" Annie cooed. "But I thought you weren't going to get us a present?"

"Something about pointless government contract blah blah blah," Jeff added.

"I thought you guys would need this more than any wedding present, brand new or otherwise." Everyone glanced over at Troy's gift to the couple: a used toaster oven most likely salvaged from his apartment.

"Hey, you can _toast _things in that!" Troy said, scandalized, when he realized that everyone was making fun of his gift.

Annie tore the paper off the box and opened it to reveal a gift card to Babies "R" Us. Annie looked confused.  
"Uh, thanks...?"

"Haha, funny, Britta," Jeff said. Pierce let out a sigh of relief.

"Thank god I'm not the only one who noticed your larger breasts among, uh, other features." He peered over at Jeff. "I was guessing boob job. You know, a gift from groom to bride ala Pierce Hawthorne to wife number six - no, wife four."

"I'm not... _pregnant_!" Annie scoffed, face reddening.

"Your recent weight gain, breast enlargement, and recent hormonal related emotional outbursts would suggest otherwise," Abed piqued in.

Annie looked over at Jeff, alarmed, and on the verge of tears. Jeff merely shrugged, just as confused and alarmed as Annie.

"Oh god," Britta said quietly. "I Britta'd this party! I thought that was the reason you guys were doing this out-of-the-blue wedding - "

"As good a reason as any!" Shirley cut in.

Annie looked taken aback. Jeff was at a loss for words.

"_What_?"

"I'm doing it again!" Britta threw her hands in the air. "I'm sorry guys! I gotta go!" Britta quickly left the room, leaving the group in a shocked and confused silence.

-x-

"Britta? You there?" Annie knocked gently on the door. It took a few minutes, but Britta answered the door.

"I'm sorry Annie. I Britta everything. And now your wedding gift thingy by implying - "

"Britta, you didn't Britta anything," Annie said sincerely. Britta's expression lightened a little bit. "And you didn't imply anything. Apparently, you were right." Annie broke out in a grin.

"...What?"

Annie nodded. Britta was speechless.

"And look at it this way. You gave me the best gift I could have asked for. Saving me the trouble of having to tell Jeff."

"Where is he?"

"At Babies "R" Us. He's having way too much fun buying baby clothes."

* * *

**Prompt 5: Britta sees Annie using a hair care product that she only could have gotten from Jeff's safe (iknowitsbutters)**

* * *

**Study of Implications and Exchanges in Goods**

"And where have you been...?" Britta asked Annie walked into the study room. She was running her fingers through her damp tousled hair. Britta noticed a small bottle of what appeared to be top-of-the-line hair care product.

"Um, just getting ready?" Annie answered vaguely. She sat down and quickly tucked away the bottle into her bag. "Anyway, what's up?" she added breathlessly. Britta eyed her suspiciously. "What?" Annie asked.

"Why were you lubing up your hair with Winger's expensive hair crap?" Pierce asked loudly.

"How did you know that it was Jeff's hair 'crap'? And Pierce, ew," she retorted hotly, face reddening.

"You just told us," Pierce replied, grinning.

"My question to you guys is why do you guys care so much? It's just some stupid hair stuff. Nothing implied with usi -" she said quickly.

"Sex!" Pierce blurted out. "You and Winger are hooking up."

"Pierce!" Shirley scolded. But Shirley turned to Annie and added sweetly, "well, we were thinking that, honey. A man like that who spent probably a hundred dollars on some Suave repackaged in a fancy looking bottle does not just lend that kind of stuff out without some kind of exchange of goods -"

"We are not 'hooking up'!"

"Who are you hooking up with?" Jeff entered the room. He dropped a small gold necklace on the table in front of Annie and held out his hand. Annie pulled the small bottle of 'hair crap' and slapped it into Jeff's hand. "Thanks, milady." Jeff pocketed the bottle before taking his seat.

"So, is Vaughn back in town? Who's Annie hooking up with?"

"What was that about?" Britta asked as Annie tucked her necklace in her bag.

"If you want to know, Britta, I have an interview later!" Annie said. "I ran out of my own 'hair crap' so I borrowed Jeff's. I gave him my necklace as collateral."

"_Seriously_?" Britta glared at Jeff, who merely shrugged.

"Hey, she was lucky I didn't make her sign a release form. That's some expensive stuff."

* * *

**Prompt 6: Jeff can't tell Annie how he truly feels about her, so he writes it all in a diary and gives it to her to read. (Fluff) (shli1117)**

* * *

**Introduction to Human Recall and Calligraphy**

She flopped down on her bed, exhausted. She glanced over at the clock. It was nearly 2:00 am. Jeff's flight had already left. He was going to New York for the entirety of the summer for some lawyer job thing. She didn't care. She was too mad at him for leaving to pay attention to the reason why he was leaving.

They threw a small party for him at The Red Door in celebration. But Annie remained distant and chose to isolate herself from her friends. She was more content to sit at the bar, slowly sip on some fruity alcholic concoction Britta bought for her, and wallow in self-pity and other confusing emotions she refused to attribute to Jeff's plan to leave for a few months. Jeff had come over to her and tried to talk to her, make a witty joke or two, but when he realized that she was brushing him off, he admitted defeat and simply gave her a hug.

She laid in her bed, slightly dizzy from the drink she nursed for the last few hours. She pulled herself up and went to retrieve her phone from her purse. Her hand brushed up against a small book that wasn't there before. It was a small blue leather bound book simply titled 'Annie' in messy scrawl. She sat back down on her bed, heart beating hard in her chest. She opened it.

_Annie,_

_Right now you're probably pissed at me for leaving. I'm kind of pissed at myself for leaving. But it's only for three months. I know, I know, you're probably sick of me telling you this. Because you and I both know how long even 3 months can feel._

_You know as well as anyone that I suck at all this heartfelt stuff. Even right now I'm questioning as to whether or not I'm going to even give you this to read, because part of me is laughing at myself for writing this, but the other half of me knows how much this kind of stuff means to you. And instead of making some kind of sarcastic remark about how silly feelings are and brush them off like nothing, I figured I'd pull an anti-Winger and get this off of my chest. Because the truth is, I _do _care._

_I act like I don't care. And Britta and her pop psychology crap would say it's a defense mechanism. Hell, maybe it is. But I decided that if I was going to leave for 3 months with little explanation as to why I was truly leaving, I figure I owe you this. And hopefully it'll ease the wait. So here it goes._

_No other girl makes me feel this way like you do. Cheesy, cliche, insert synonym here - I know. And you know how hard this type of stuff is. So you know I'm being sincere when I say that I love you. There it is. In writing. In permanent pen._

_I have absolutely no idea where that leaves us when I come back. I don't know where we can go from here. All I know is that after 3 years of bullshitting and tip-toeing around it, I owe this to you._

_And just when I thought I couldn't get any cheesier, I wrote down several of my favorite memories I have of you. I hope this book gets you through the next few months, as I hope these memories of you (and of the crazy group of misfits that I've unwillingly adopted) get me through the coming months._

_I love you, Jeff._

She closed the small book. She was surprised to find her face wet with tears, despite wearing a smile. She grabbed her phone and found his name. _I love you too_. Four words. That's all she typed before quickly sending it.

She laid back down on her bed, opened the book, and spent the next two hours laughing, crying, and smiling as she took a trip down memory lane.

* * *

**Prompt 7: Jeff & Annie plus these three random things: a tricycle, a voicemail from Shirley & the Human Being (Humour - sorry for the randomness!). (_carly_)**

* * *

**Missed Calls and New Friendships**

"Jeff," Annie mumbled sleepily, when the phone began to beep.

"Hmm..." Jeff responded, his face buried in his pillow.

"The phone."

Jeff grumbled in response.

"It's your phone," Annie corrected herself. Jeff heaved a sigh of irritation before fumbling with the beeping phone on his nightstand.

"It's a voice mail. Must not have heard the call," he said slyly as he played the recording out load.

"Jeff, where are you guys - I mean, where are you? It's Ben's party and it started an hour ago. You better show up, mmmkay? See you there!" Shirley was using the fake sweet voice she usually reserved for when she was trying not to let her anger show.

"Shit," Jeff mumbled. "I forgot that was today. C'mon, get up. We better be there before Shirley comes over here and drags us out of bed."

It was Annie's turn to mumble in irritation.

-x-

"Oh, about time certain people decided to show up," Shirley smiled. "Instead of treating their own libidos and ignoring social obligations - "

"Where do you want the present?" Jeff interrupted, not wanting to listen to a sermon at the moment.

"Over there, on the table."

"Shirley, why the hell is the Human Being doing here?" Annie asked in disgust, nodding toward their school mascot, which stood silently in the corner of the yard.

"The dean decided to bring it upon himself to invite it. So I politely requested that it stand over there, in the corner, out of the way, and away from the kids. Anyway, it's present time!" Shirley called over the kids. Ben came toddling over, beaming ear to ear.

He eagerly tore apart all of the gifts, then casually tossing them aside. He squealed with delight when he opened Jeff's gift: a large red tricycle.

"Look momma!" he yelled in excitement.

"Ooh, that's nice. Go ask daddy to put it together for you."

-x-

Jeff sat at the picnic table, typing away at his phone, trying to ignore the headache brought on by a dozen screaming kids running wildly around. He glanced over at the Human Being, who shifted corners to put himself at a greater distance between himself and the kids. Jeff almost felt sorry for it. Then remembered that someone had voluntarily dressed up in that creepy costume. He noticed that the kids also steered clear from the Human Being as well, eying it carefully before resuming whatever they were playing.

"He loves that tricycle," Annie said, smiling as she watched Ben pedal in circles.

"Ben, stay away from there," Shirley warned Ben as he approached the Human Being.

"Wanna swing?" Ben asked. Jeff saw the Human Being perk up, as if happy that someone was paying attention to it. The mascot gladly went over to the swing set and started pushing Ben on the swing.

"Well look at that," Jeff said to himself. "Looks like Boo Radley found a friend," he said to Shirley, who could only glare at him.

* * *

**Prompt 8: Jeff makes Annie breakfast in bed. (kimmierocks)**

* * *

**The Art of Secrecy**

"Aww, Jeff!" Annie said as Jeff set down a tray brimming with food beside her.

"This toast took _especially _long to make, so you better savor it," Jeff joked, sitting beside her. "I didn't burn it or anything."

"Wow, I'm impressed," she smiled. She was about to take a bite but stopped. "Wait... You've never made breakfast for me before." She eyed him suspiciously. Jeff forced a smile.

"Can't a guy make his gal breakfast in bed once in awhile without some kind of ulterior motive or whatever?"

Annie didn't take her eyes off of him.

"What did you do?"

"What did _I _do? I made breakfast in bed for you and I'm getting interrogated about it," Jeff laughed nervously. "Go on, eat up! The eggs will get cold. I used my special recipe!"

Annie surveyed him for a minute before biting into the buttered toast.

"Not bad," she admitted.

"_Not bad_? That's all?"

"Okay, maybe 'okay'. How about that?" she laughed.

-x-

She devoured all of the food.

"I didn't think women ate that much."

"Shut up," she snorted, downing the rest of her orange juice. "Oh, and thanks babe," she said, kissing Jeff lightly on the lips.

Annie threw a robe on and headed to the kitchen to put her dishes away. Jeff waited with bated breath.

"_Jeff Winger!"_

"And there it is," he said to himself, wincing.

Annie returned to the living room, holding up pieces of what was an old looking vase.

"Oh no, how did that happen?" Jeff said unconvincingly. "Okay, it was an accident. I was trying to make you breakfast in bed and accidentally knocked it over."

Annie glared at him.

"Okay, I made breakfast in bed _because I broke the vase_," he admitted.

"Well, it was only a ten dollar vase," she merely shrugged. "But thanks for breakfast!"

Jeff stared at her, dumbfounded.


End file.
